Pauls Valley, OK, Pauls Valley Democrat

May 26, 2010

Putting the fear in Fearklahoma

Confessions of a Dislocated Texan

Ezra Mann
Pauls Valley Daily Democrat

Pauls Valley — Something I understand and roll my eyes about more than any other subject after growing up in the south is the abuse of fear. As I’ve sarcastically journeyed through adulthood I can’t help but notice how more ignorant this display of scare becomes.

Before the Republican Party photoshops me on the body of Joseph Stalin (Che Guevara has a much better taste in hats) I will let it be known that for a few things I respect a conservative standpoint. Yet, despite my view that abortion should only be a last life saving resort and how elephants are more majestic than mules, I draw the line well before many of the tactics made popular by the “Grand Old Party.” Then again, there are just so many places both parties just need to leave alone and shut up about how “dangerous” they are because of an irresponsible minority.

I’ve noticed since coming to the land of waving wheat, the examples of people using fright to promote their point is not lacking. In fact, the land I affectionately think of as the hat of Texas is trying to compete with the head it sits upon.

It is almost as if the Lone Star State could be falling behind the “I’m scared so you should vote this way game.” The goofiest example I’ve found is the number of people here who are scared Mexicans are some kind of evil creature sneaking over the border only to collapse everything we hold dear. I’ve seen less paranoia at the border in El Paso, but then again they actually know something about illegal immigrants (Course I wonder how many realize how America slowly invaded Texas in the first place).

Another afraid area jittery Okies share with their southern counterparts is just about any rumor attached to President Barrack Obama. If someone’s circulated the idea through a mass e-mail of terror, then at one point or another it has had people huddling here or soon will be.

The creeped out mob mentality must work even on the democrats statewide, because not even one precinct in the state declared victory for Mr. Change (by change they must mean waste money to top the last administration’s waste). I mean really, how many times does our president have to show records that he was born in the United States and that just because his dad was Muslim, does not mean that underneath the obvious church ties, he’s secretly plotting with Al Qaeda? Oh that’s right, I forgot he was doing it all because his middle name was the same as a secular leader who we overthrew only to find out there were no nuclear weapons.

All of this makes me wonder how they are going to top the Texas School Board’s recent decision to make textbooks more conservative. It’s pretty hard to outdo the whitewashing of terms like slavery, but maybe we’ve got the tense brain muscle to do it.

Ooh, I know, we can really show we’re terrified of everything by saying that Adolf Hitler was actually only a misunderstood art student that got a little carried away trying to “un-pimp” a over French-friendly Europe. Or here’s one Native Americans will love, President Andrew Jackson only marched people to the state because all the wagons were in the repair shop. Stop me if I’m getting you too relaxed.