Pauls Valley, Oklahoma —
We then figure out through the genius script writing that the master plot to rid the world of transformers involves a not so secret plan (I’m not sure because at one point alien robot body parts are being auctioned in an internet video) concocted by CIA mastermind Harold Attinger (Kelsey Grammer). It will involve creating their own transformers through the help of corporate partner Joshua Joyce (Stanley Tucci) and teaming up with an alien transformer bounty hunter named Lockdown (Mark Ryan), because nothing of one thing is the same as a bunch more. Oh and because it would be way too hard to follow the cool example set by the 1984 movie where Megatron is morphed into Galvatron (Frank Welker) by planet eating menace Unicron, we’ll just replace him with a way lame earth manufactured substitute (Galvatron: I’m way more evil than Megatron because I have no robo conscience or soul, you know because he was totally a nice guy who had second thoughts about being evil. But you’ll have to wait until the sequel for me to prove it, bwa ha ha ha).
Of course, the real tragedy here is how Michael Bay manages to Joel Shumacher the dinobots like Grimlock into being no more than vehicles to be ridden and not heard (granted their dialogue in the cartoon wasn’t strong to begin with, but they are just tools now). Throw in several scenes of frantic and unnecessary dialogue (instead of proper back story to better explain why we should all care) and before you realize it, even the expectedly awesome explosions aren’t enough to keep you interested.
I’m not sure if Bay was listening to those who scorned him about the previous three efforts, but maybe this was his best attempt at trying to think things through (I mean come on, even Transformnado would have been acceptable) and in the mess got mixed up trying to create half a dozen rushed side stories. I do believe I really would rather watch paint dry or sit through a Toxic Avenger marathon than have to sit through this again. For what I agree is the weakest entry of the series so far, “Transformers 4: Age of Extinction” earns a barely awake one and three fourths out of five energon cubes.
Movie viewing experience courtesy of the Royal Twin Theater of Pauls Valley.